The last couple of days it has hit me pretty hard that they are growing up (and that I can't be in my 20's again). It hit me in the wierdest way. We had to travel to the SEND office area today, a 1 1/2 hour trip one way, and I had Jolen with me in the baby carrier. Our marchutca (bus) came and we got onto a crowded bus and 2 people gave up their seats for us, even though there it was a 30 minute ride. And I was thinking, "wow, I am so thankful I have small children, because they get treated like gold, and us the parents get to go along for the ride, This won't happen for long so I better enjoy it while I can."
The truth is that little girl who is scared of the train machine, which I paid $1 for her to get off and watch it chug along, won't be little for long. We were just watching a Family Matters episode where Steve and Eddie move out of their respective houses, while still in high school, and get an apartment of their own. "What if Ellianna wants to move out? How will I handle it? What if this little innocent girl grows up and realizes the word is not so innocent?" It breaks my heart.
What if she stumbles and falls? Will I be at the bottom to catch her? What if I can't? All I can do is bow my head and put her in God's hands. I have heard the analogy of placing everything in an open hand, and give it to God. But I want to hold on so tight. I can't let my child be free, I have to hold on to her tight so she never gets hurt again. I know I can't do this, but I try so hard.
I would love to post here every Thursday about victories in my life, or great things happening (and there were good things like the great birthday party we had for Ellianna.) but it doesn't feel like the battle is being won as a parent.
Ellianna has realized that she can't just see all of our loved ones. We can't hop on a plane and go see Grandma and Grandpa or the Lovrod family, who we visited 2-3 times a week in Sexsmith, or Emily who we saw all the time at PRBI. We ask her what she wants to do today and she replies "go in a airplane." She misses home.
We thank you for your prayers as living so far away from everyone is tough. We know God has called us here, but, why couldn't he have called everyone else here as well?
I can't make everything better for her, and I want to do that with every fibre in my being.
I wonder if God longs for us to be home in heaven with Him? If it pains Him that we live with this epic battle between Sin and Holiness in our lives everyday? If He just wants to rid us of our Earthly struggles? I know it pains Him to see us stumble and fall, but does He have to hold Himself back from just taking us away into eternity with Him?
I don't have the answers to those questions, but I am so glad that I am only given the privilege to look after 2 little ones, and not a whole world. The pain and sorrow, and joy and laughter God must go through each and every day as our Heavenly Father.
10 minutes old to 2 years. Happiness and Heartache, Joy and Sorrow. We pray our little ones put their faith in "Him who is able to to do more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)
For those who read faithfully, there will be no post next Thursday as it is SEND conference and they have asked us to retreat from technology for the week and relax in Him. So until 2 weeks from now! God Bless!
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